A Need To Be Fucked

Last night, I had one of the hottest sexual experiences of my life. Part of the reason, I'm sure, is that I was incredibly horny. I hadn't masturbated for three or four days, despite the fact that I'd been doing various things over that period of time that had aroused me to the point that I could easily have cum had I wanted to do so. Two nights before, I'd watched a porno movie, Kendo's Past Times, which, while not the hottest thing I've seen, was still pretty good, with artistic camera work, beautiful men and women, and some acrobatic sex. The next day I'd watched B. Skow's Overnight, a kind of remake of Pretty Woman, but much more realistic. And right before I got into bed, I watched Nina Nicole's Don Juan's Therapist, which was the first movie from Sweet Sinner I'd seen all the way through and which was incredibly good.

I've also been feeling extremely feminine for the last week or so. Or, at least, I've been allowing myself to express my feminine side more lately that I normally would be able to. This is at least partly because my wife and daughter are out of town right now. My wife knows about my complex feelings about my gender, and she is extremely supportive of me. But I can still be a bit more free when she isn't here, and that is much more true for my daughter, who doesn't know about this sort of thing at all. So I'd spent the day, and many of the previous days, dressed in women's clothing. Nothing frilly or all that exciting, really. Yesterday, for example, I wore denim shorts (though with designs on the pockets that mark them as women's) and a simple cotton top with a rose-based pattern on it, with a cute pair of black sandals and dangling silver hoops. But wearing even such simple things helps me to feel more deeply in touch with who I feel I am inside, and that not only makes me feel more at ease, but deeply sensual, as well.

I tend to describe myself nowadays as 'ambi-gendered', by which I mean that I identify not just as male or female, but think of my personality as having significant components of both. Sexually speaking, this manifests itself in a desire to be penetrated, to be fucked, when I am feeling feminine. It's not that I want to be fucked by a man. I am, as gender theorists put it, 'gynephilic': I'm attracted to women, and that's no less true when I am feeling feminine than it is when I'm feeling more masculine. What I want, then, is to be fucked by a woman. I want, in particular, to be fucked by my wife, whom I love with all my being. It is easy for me to imagine her having a penis and taking me.

It's taken me a long time really to understand this fact, and to internalize it, but gender isn't about what parts you have. Lots of girls have penises. Trans-girls, of course, who are no less girls for what they're carrying around in their underwear. And I too am a girl, or at least some substantial part of me is, even if it hasn't been easy for me accept this fact about myself, and even now to love it.

So tonight I feel feminine. I externalize and validate this feeling by putting on a stretchy, peach-colored camisole before I get into bed. I want to be fucked, and fucked hard. So I start out with a black, non-realistic, silicone dildo. It has a sort of 'wavy' shape and is about seven inches long, with a maximum width of about an inch and a quarter, which is a very good size for me.

Laying down on my back, I decide I need to suck it first. I immediately get into this incredibly hot fantasy, where my wife is squatting over me, offering me her cock. I close my eyes and open myself to her—and then realize all of a sudden that the dildo has lint all over it! So I get up, wash that off, and get back into bed to pick up where I'd left off.

I close my eyes and open myself to my wife as she slowly feeds her cock into my hungry mouth. I roll my tongue over the head and around the shaft, pulling her into me, and then relax as she starts to thrust herself in and out of me. I am so lost in the fantasy that I can actually hear her moaning with pleasure and telling me how hot I look sucking on her cock. So I take her deeper into my mouth, deep-throating her two or three times, before letting her out to fuck my mouth some more.

By now I am rock hard and seriously ready to be fucked in the ass. I'd lubed myself up well with Astroglide Gel before I got into bed using a small syringe to squirt some of it into my rectum. So, imagining my wife moving down and between my legs, I spread them wide and welcome her inside me. She slides in smoothly, and I hold her there, enjoying the fullness for a moment, before she starts slowly fucking me. I pull my legs up, allowing her full access, and she fucks me deep and slow, allowing my ass to adjust to her presence, slowly increasing her tempo as it does, until she is fucking me just as deep and hard as she is able.

Back in the real world, I am trying to figure out a way to get this done without having to hold the damn dildo all the time. I've had some success in the past with angling it so the base is on the bed, which will allow me to thrust my hips up and down to fuck myself. So I try that, and it works pretty well, but I can't quite get the depth I want that way. So I roll over, get up on my hands and knees, and ask my wife, out loud, to fuck me that way for a while. Which she gladly does, though it's annoyingly difficult to hold myself in that position while reaching around behind me to manipulate the dildo. Still, it's nice to be taken in this submissive position, and I'm finally starting to get the pounding I need.

I am ready now for an orgasm. So I roll onto my back again, put a bit more lube on my anus, and re-insert the dildo, angling it up this time towards my prostate. I spread my legs wide, pull my feet up towards my butt, and start fucking myself, again imagining my wife before me. "I want you to cum for me", she is saying, smiling at me with love in her eyes, as I feel myself start to race in that direction. I am moaning loudly, as the dildo works my prostate, and then suddenly there it is. "I'm cumming!" I call out, as one torrent of pleasure after another shoots out from my prostate through my body and out into the night. Lost to the fantasy, I cry out again, "Oh baby, I'm cumming so hard", as my ass pulses on the dildo and my cock twitches in an ecstatic dance. The difference between fantasy and reality is just lost now.

Quivering, I look down to see the large puddle of pre-cum that leaked from my cock as I came. I scoop it into my mouth, pull out the dildo, and ready myself for the second round. I want more fullness, and what will give it to me is an old Vac-u-loc dildo, maybe one of the originals, that we have had for over a decade. It's semi-realistic, looking like a cock but with no balls, and it is a lot larger than what I've been using. It's about eight inches in length overall, but the last two inches are a kind of "bulb" that is well beyond anything I could take (a good thing, as always, with anal toys). The insertable length, then, from my point of view, is about six inches. Once we pass the 'glans', though, we're at an inch and three eighths in width, which is already bigger than the black one, and it widens from there to about an inch and three quarters at the base of the bulb.

For some people, that wouldn't be so big, but it's big for me, and the last time I used this toy, I couldn't get even half of it inside me. I am determined to do better. I make sure I am well-lubed, giving myself another squirt into my rectum, and coat the toy itself with gel, as well. I spread my legs, my fantasy suspended for the moment, and feed the fat dildo into my butt. It goes in smoothly at first, but, just as the last time, after a couple inches, it won't go any further. So I relax and just hold it there for a bit, letting myself adjust to it, thinking I'll have better luck in a minute. But no. It seems like the damn thing is just stuck. Bummed out, I decide I'll try something else for while.

One of my very favorite toys is the Pure Wand, by NJoy. This is a stainless steel probe, about eight inches long, with an elegant curve, that is designed for G-spot and prostate massage. There's a ball on each end: a small one, about one inch, and a larger one, about an inch and a half. Between the ends, it's fairly slender, gracefully narrowing to just half an inch in the middle. I usually use the smaller ball, since I find the larger one harder to insert, and sometimes I just want to get it inside me and have some fun without mucking about. This night, however, I want the bigger end, and I am loose enough now after having fucked myself with the smaller dildo, and then having stretched myself a bit with the bigger one, that it just pops right in without incident. It feels amazing.

The first thing I do is get myself some cum. I put the Wand deep into me and push the free end, the 'handle', if you will, away from me, so that the ball inside me is forced up against the deepest part of my prostate. I then slowly pull it out, with a firm pressure. As the ball passes back over my prostate, something within me contracts, and out comes a good-sized drop of cum. I quickly scoop it up with my finger and feed it into my waiting mouth, holding it on my tongue to savor it. I love doing this: I love the taste of cum when I'm aroused.

Anatomy lesson: Semen is composed of several different fluids. About 70% is a yellowish fluid that is produced by the seminal vesicles; about 25% or so is prostatic fluid, which is milky white; the rest is sperm (though not in my case, since I've had a vasectomy). Interestingly, the initial ejaculatory spurts contain little seminal fluid and are mostly prostatic fluid and sperm, which is why the initial shots often look different from the later ones. Pre-cum, on the other hand, is produced by the Cowper's glands, which are homologous with the Bartholin's glands in anatomical females, which provide lubrication for the labial region. What the Wand is drawing out is mostly prostatic fluid, with some pre-cum mixed in. It's like the XY version of pussy juice.

I press the Wand back into myself, up over my prostate, and pull it back out, another drop of cum as my reward, and then, as I put it back in again, there is almost a spurt of the fluid, so much that I can't catch it all. Over and over I do this, slowly in and slowly out, drops and more drops of cum, until my tongue is coated with it and my mouth seems like it is full of the taste of me.

I am ready to have another orgasm. I push the Wand deep into me again, and pull the ball up, as before, against the back of my prostate. But this time, I move the ball back and forth quickly over my P-spot. As aroused as I am at this point, it does not take long until I am moaning with the approach of a truly tremendous orgasm. I scream as it hits me, thrusting my hips into the air. As my ass clenches down on the Wand, I can only ride helplessly along as wave after wave of pleasure courses through my body. Some way, somehow, I am able to continue stimulating my prostate to keep the orgasm going, but eventually I can't do it any longer, and I collapse back onto the bed, breathing hard and sighing with the intensity of my release.

One of the reasons I love the Pure Wand so much is that I've found so many ways to use it. I can use it to 'extract some cum'; I can have an orgasm by massaging my prostate with it; and I can use it like a dildo to fuck myself. That's what I will do next. Pulling the handle up toward me pushes the business end away from my prostate, so that, when I thrust with the Wand, it moves freely within my rectum, rather than bumping up against things. The steel shaft is wonderfully smooth, so the Wand slides easily in and out of me, all the while stimulating the wondrous nerve endings in my anus and around the sphincter muscles. I like this best with the large ball inside me, as that provides more of a feeling of fullness, but it's great the other way, too.

I fuck myself that way for a while, and then decide I need some more cum. So I get some of that, have another orgasm, have some more cum, have a few more orgasms, and then a bit more cum. But my arm is getting tired, so I decide to have my next orgasm, my seventh or eighth of the evening, in yet another of the ways I've found to use the Wand: the same way I'd use an Aneros or other similar device.

This is what I call the 'clenching' method. I place the end of the Wand that is inside me right on my prostate and then do a 'semi-Kegel', that is, I clench my PC muscles, but only about half way. It's not possible actually to hold the muscles in that position, so what happens is that they kind of flutter and, as they do, they grab and release the Wand, causing it to twitch, so that the ball that is in contact with my prostate rubs back and forth over it, or bumps back and forth into it, or something, but whatever it is, it is miraculous.

The heft of the Wand really helps here. When the PC muscles clench, they pull the shaft of the wand upwards and pull the ball that is inside me into from my prostate. When the muscles release, the handle of the Wand falls back of its own weight, and that pulls  ball back up away from my prostate. All of this happens with much more authority with the Wand then with any other toy I've used this way, since the Wand is heavy enough that its weight really pulls it down hard as my PC muscles let it go, so the ball is pushed harder into my prostate than with other such toys. It's a great ride, and in no time at all I am cumming hard.

I feel really drained after that orgasm, so I just lay there, relaxing for several minutes, with the Wand inside me, enjoying a sense of almost total release and basking in the hot scent of sex wafting through the bedroom. For a bit, I think that I might just call it a night. But as I hold lightly onto the 'handle', out of nowhere I start thinking of it as my wife's cock again, now withdrawn and waiting for me, and that gets my juices flowing again.

I want to feel fuller now, so I decide to give the Vac-u-lock dildo another try. It goes in a more easily this time, as I am stretched out a bit from all my playing, but it seizes up again only a few inches into me. Just to make it easier to reach the dildo, I lift my left leg up towards my chest, and then, like magic, the resistance is gone, and I am able to push the whole thing inside me, right up to the 'bulb'. It feels fantastic. Not only am I stuffed full of cock, which feels just great, but I have a real sense of satisfaction simply at having gotten my old friend inside me again. I lay still for a minute or so, just enjoying the sensation of it filling my ass, and then start slowly to fuck myself.

Slowly is all I can manage, since this monster (as it seems to me) is pushing me to my limits. And what I really want, still, is to be seriously fucked. But now, at last, I am feeling really open, and I confirm how loose my ass is by pulling the dildo out of me and putting four fingers of my left hand into myself. So I grab the smaller black dildo that I'd been using before and just let myself have it. There is no resistance at all now as I plunge it deep into my ass, pull it back out, push it back in, and proceed to give myself a serious ramming. Most of the time, I angle the dildo so that it just fucks me, but now and again I tilt it upwards so that it hits my prostate, and I have two or three more orgasms while screwing myself. Somewhere in my mind, I can still see my wife fucking me with her beautiful cock, but I am so lost in the pleasure of the moment that I am nothing but a quivering mass of joy.

My need to be fucked but good having been met, I think again as I rest that maybe I have had enough. But there's been some 'research' I've been wanting to do. I've been meaning to do a review of the "Dr Joel Kaplan Versatile Prostate Stimulator", which I bought a couple years ago. Unfortunately, the batteries had run out on mine, and since they're size N (half a AA, basically), I didn't have any of those lying around. But I'd gotten some the day before and so was looking forward to enjoying this toy again, since it had once been one of my favorites.

Although I struggled a bit to get it to stimulate me in the right place, I did manage to have several orgasms with that old toy, cycling through its ten settings. When I started with it, my intention was to have an orgasm on each of the settings (something I'd done before), but, by the time I'd gotten to setting six or seven, I was feeling quite worn out. I guess I'd had something like eighteen to twenty orgasms by then, so maybe that's not so surprising.

I thought about just going to sleep. I've done that before. I don't always feel a need to ejaculate after having such satisfying sex, but I want to taste myself now, and not just the little drops that the Wand gets out of me. So I put the Wand back into my ass and draw out a little more cum, just to get me started. The taste alone almost sends me over the edge. But not quite. So, with the Wand filling me and pressing on my prostate, I grab hold of my cock and start stroking. I'm barely hard. This is not at all unusual for me. Prostate play doesn't make me particularly hard, most of the time, and I don't need to be hard to have prostate orgasms. So I'm not more than half hard now. But I am very, very aroused, and it doesn't take long until I have my final orgasm of the night, gasping as it approaches, shouting as it takes me, and then watching intently as several pulses of hot white cum splatter my stomach.

I use my thumb to gather all the cum together into a pool, and then put my thumb into my mouth and clean it, tasting myself just one last time. I use a small towel I'd brought to bed to clean myself, and then take my toys to the bathroom to wash them.

And then, sated, I fall deeply asleep.